Ill

I feel like death. Today i went to C-town and hung around with the boyfriend , we got noodles and chilled out. I hate having to say bye. It totally sucks.

Listen to IN MY EYES!

End of an era.

So i guess alot of people have been posting blogs about Michael Jackson. It came as a bit of a shock especially since my mate rang me up and told me over the phone. What a legend. The man made some incredible music and whether you loved him or hated him, you had to admire everything he achieved. From the first time he sang with Jackson 5 or the first time he moonwalked. Personally I think he was a VERY misunderstood individual. People can be so vile and some of the status's i saw on facebook that night and the following morning disgusted me. After all, he was only a human being.
For many people, an inspiration for music or dancing.

The memorial service was extremely moving and a lot more sombre then the extravaganza i was expecting. But i think it was perfectly executed and i held it together until little Paris spoke. My heart goes out to the Jackson family.



i leave you with this. xo

fuck

my actual life. fuck fuck fuck

not.

i hate this. i hate being jobless. i understand that i am deffintly not the only one who has made redundant but i love working. i have applied everywhere. i just hate not having money to go anywhere or see people. i feel like i let everyone down. and i dont want to anymore. i dont want to have to borrow money or people or make people feel like they have to buy me a drink or whatever.
fuck it. i might as well became a total recluse.

Want List. Part 2.

Studio Ghibli Collection. - Ebay!

To see Graf Orlock - Monday.

To get a job - ANYWHERE.

To get some red vans authentics - Like this.

To get the sims 3 - soon :(

To get a pet bunny - Like this

Basically.

I will never let you down.
Ever.

You mean the world to me. And more. My Boyfriend. My Best Friend. My Saviour.

evil

"There is no heaven of glory bright, and no hell where sinners roast. Here and now is our day of torment! Here and now is our day of joy! Here and now is our opportunity! Choose ye this day, this hour, for no redeemer liveth!"

everyday

everyday im constantly battling my deamons. which are jelousy and paranoia. im learning to control it. i will never let this win. because i am strong. and i can pull myself through it. i will not let this destroy me. i will not let this destroy us. xo

"Here comes the rain"

I've been thrown in to this mess now I'm just trying to survive.
This is the sound of a young man breaking ties.
Out here nothing makes sense, I cant decipher fact from pretense.
This is the sound of a young man breaking ties.
This is a convoluted attempt to find some source of hope, this is the sound of letting go.
You might feel the urge to turn back now, cause we know it just gets worse and worse.
Regrettably this might just be a waste of time.
It just deteriorates verse by verse.
If you're still reading along be warned, its the kind of thing that ends in a dot dot dot.
If you know what I mean just hang your head, it's the kind of thing that ends...
Dark skies for ominous times.
These days, they just get worse and worse.
Now that you know how this ends you can get started making amends, it just deteriorates verse by verse. If your still reading along be warned, its the kind of thing that ends in a dot dot dot.
If you know what I mean just hang your head, its kind of thing that ends...so just read along

Scrabble.

Lately. Im finding myself addicted to scrabble. Im not one for board games apart from good old Monopoly but im really intrigued buy it. Best is, I have it on ds so my sister and mum and that can play against me aswell. Because we all have a ds you see.
But I realised everytime I have played it I find the same word EVERYTIME. That being "bint" which means !"`Bint` may be: * The Arabic word for 'daughter', see ibn. * A slang word in the United Kingdom, a derogatory term for a woman (and sometimes men).".

Crazy.

Also today is 3 months since me and my boyfriend started going out. Its going really really well. Im not going to mess this up. ILY xo

Forgotten?

I dont know whats going on lately. I feel like im being forgotten about. It really sucks. I dont ever recieve texts off anybody asking to do something. Hell i dont even get them asking how I am. I make alot of effort with people and I feel like its shoved in my face all the fucking time. Im fucking sick of it. Im not going to be fucking walked over. I dont have "doormat" tattooed over my fucking head do i?

F.M.L. seriously.

Day whatever ; strawberry fair and train journeys.

So today. It looked like it was going to be a bad day because of the stupid rain. I was just about to cancel my plans when I spoke to Bear. She said it was only spitting though and that the sky was clearing so I thought fuck it . Why not.

So im getting on the train and its fucking packed. I mean I had to stand up all the way to Cambridge. Admittitly its not that far, but 50 mins standing then the most killer walk ever. Not want. So i got there. And waited for what seemed an eternity for Rob and his mates to get there. He was moaning in the first 2 minutes bless him.

So walking around i saw some right fruits. Including a man wearing a womans nightie , wearing sandals , socks and using a banana as a phone. We think it was for a publicity stunt or something. But it was quite amusing.

After 5 hours sitting drinking cider I went home. Rob walked me to the station, but I had killer back pain so was being a bit docile and taking my time. I got to the station and thought I had missed my train, but it had been delayed for 5 mins. So then i bumped into Toby, Dirty G and Jez. Getting on the train was murder. It was worse than being shoved right in the middle of a Slayer pit. Ultimate death. But thanks to some sneaky monuvers by Jez and G we got a table seat.
It was quite amusic. And some fail woman spilt ketchup on my bag. So we all started listening to our music. And this woman turns ound to Toby and goes "can i ask a question" and he replies with, Oh if its about my ears , ive had it all day. so no.
ahaha
Legends

Home now, I feel like my legs are about to fall off, All i want to do is have my boyfriend here, drink tea, eat toast and snuggle watching peep show.

:( miss him
peace. xo

Day eleven : Insomnia awesome.

In pure ghost white I see what was mine
Drowned in jet black that haunts your shadows
Endless night begins
This forked road now bends
A forked tongue appears to lead us astray
All this that I have is all that you are
Cutting for love a new trophy scar
Just not worth the tears and penance not worth the blood that we both pour

I want to live without the guilt we give
I want to die without this pain
I want to live without the guilt we give
I want to die without your name
Without this pain
Born to burn with hell to pay
Born to burn with we will someday

Day ten : jealousy

i hate myself.
i hate my jealousy.
i hate my paranoia.
i hate myself.

Day Nine : Farm town and Bad managers.

Today. I played farm town on facebook. Im becoming quite addicted to it, and have started planning my whole entire day around it. After this I played Oblivion. It was pretty whack because i agreed to become a vampire in the dark brotherhood. But i made the mistake of sleeping and never feeding so she couldnt go out during the day. Luckily i managed to save it before and go back. So im prety much still a vampire. But i can go out during the day.

Also today, my sister came home from work sobbing her eyes out because her manager called her fat. Fat? shes only like a size 10. If that. My parents went mental. I have plans for demoniation on this shop. Not really. But i will never be going there again!

1 day till Big Brother. My summer is officialy over.

Peace XO

Day Eight. : Heat

God I cant stand this weather. I cant sleep because its so fucking hot. I cant sleep with the covers on. But then i cant sleep with them off. In a way, im fighting a losing battle. As always. Today i didnt step one foot outside my door, im scared im becomming a recluse. This is the reason i hate working! I need to ge out and chat to people but i cant without money, and i dont have money because i dont work. Vicious cycle 1 - Vic 0.

Anyways its off to try and sleep again. Please thunder soon!.

I miss Rob and Bartman. XO

Day Seven : Not bothering.

Nothing happened sunday about from mega hangouts and chillenz with my boyfriend. <3. He keeps me sane. SO today is Monday, I left Robs and came home . What a fucking nightmare that was. First off, Rob paid for me to go home as i haz no money till i get paid again. I seriously dont know what id do without him. It was real hot, and from Huntingdon i had to get a fucking coach with windows that WOULDNT open. AND if that wasnt bad enough it had no air con aswell. So aswell as having people moaning for an hour about how hot it was, i also had to deal with the smell of peopl , and sweating. NOT WANT. I finally got home, and couldnt do anything for about an hour because of the sun. I just wanted to jump in the pool. That wasnt out, so i opted for jumping in the shower. Me being me, forgot to turn it cool so i burnt myself. Real nice. Im now in a bad mood. and i cant seem to shake it. I need cheering up.

Day Six - Saturday.

Today Rob woke up before me. This is an odd occasion. Quite a few people were still here and the weather was still nice so we put some blink on and had a slammin breakfast. BBQ bacon for the win? After everyone had gone we cleaned the house and chilled out and watched the Remake of the Omen. Rob made me vegan lasagne for dinner while we watched Britains got talent. And after that we played mario kart. I kicked his ass.
I love spending time with Rob. He is like my best friend as well as my boyfriend.

All is good.

Day Five- Friday.

So on Friday I was a little bit excited when I woke up because today was the day I was going to Rob's. Initially It was only going to be until Saturday as there was a family meal then but i managed to get out of it. Spent until 12 pm getting myself ready. I then couldnt be bothered to catch the mission of getting there, that is the best. Especially in this weather.
Too hot!!!
So i text Lauren and we arranged to catch the train to Cambridge. I got to the train station and the weird guy, who always chats me up was there. Bearing in mind he is about 70 and quite possibly the creepiest guy I have ever laid my eyes on. He goes " Are you going to see your boyfriend again,?" and i kinda looked like this at him . :/ and replied "yes" and he said " he is a verrrryyy lucky boy" and started talking to my chest. Not want.
Anyway I met Lauren at the March stop and we had a good old gossip about events and people and that. We arrived in Cambridge and Lauren does a bit of shopping whilst we are waiting for her Bf :). After we finish having a look round we end up in Starbucks, Drinking possibly the nicest drink ever. God bless strawberry fraps! <3

After this, we go and see Rob he is wearing the most ridiculous outfit in the world. We get a few laughs and go to Sams because everyone is meeting there. When everyone arrived, We all went to Asda and i found some monkeys. I then got quite hyper. :/ We all ended up at Robs house for a bbq. There were quite a few of us. The weather was lovely and the night was awesome.
After some people had left we decided to watch the Omen, and started talking about ghosts and the undead and Derek acorah. Then it was bed time. Good day.

Day four stroke five : Recap.

Oh, what a fun day. Im not being sarcastic! Actually possibly one of the best days Ive had a in a while. Today i caught up with some old friends, and to be honest i cant think why i didnt do it sooner! It was so easy to talk to them about everything. The way i been feeling lately, It was just good. The best part about this is that I feel like i can trust them. Im loving this.
SO Today i went to town, and grabbed a mocca with kaila. and we chatted about life. it was awesome. then we went and i got aggro with the woman in game.
What a con, needing id to trade a game in. fuck off.
Anyways then we met tanya and mooched around in town for a bit. Then we went to the gig
. it was pretty rad considering i had to pay 4 pound to get in aha! not want.
Hex were awesome as always. Immorality , i havent seen them in ages. Shame there was only 10 people there. It was good though, eveyone had a good catch up.

Right i better go get some sleep! .

Day three point five : A List .

So I was going to write a list of what I wanted.


Axolotl : These animals are so amazing. And real cute. They look like Mudkip from Pokemon.

A job : Would be real nice so i could get some money . I Hate being unemployed!

Mountain Dew Dunks : These would be amazing. I want them so bad.

Freddy Kruegar snowglobe : I love horror movies and the snowglobe is possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen. Im collecting snowglobes.


Studio Ghibli Museum tickets : One day, I will fullfill my ambition.

In the mean time. I would like one of these. . .

Thats it for now. Im sure I will add to this.

Day three : Changes.

So in the past week. Ive been thinking about loads and loads of stuff. I figured out I only have like 1 person i can tell anything to. That being Rob. I thought i could speak to my other friend , but lately I seem to have been ditched for a few guys. Like, fair enough she's allowed to have other friends but I cant help but feel like Im not good enough for her anymore.
Saying this though, Im happy Ive started speaking and catching up with old friends. Also, im really happy about the new friends I have made the past few months.
SO in a few months its my birthday . I have no idea what I want or what I want to do for it. Turning 23 is rubbish. I dont feel like it though. All the people I went to school with are all settled down with kids and stuff, and im still being me. Still cant cook, Still cant use the washing machine.
Things I really want to achieve by the time im 25. There is only one.
1) Go to japan.
Obviously this is my biggest ambition . Japan has always appealed to me, and my mum always said I should of been Japanese. I love everything about the place. The culture, the food, the movies, the people. Also , why im there, I want to go to Studio Ghibli Museum aswell. Studio Ghibli films are just so magical and amazing. So much better than Disney. SO much passion is put into these films. I cant wait to go my totoro tattoo! :DD:D:D:D:D
Its gonna look slammin!

Day two : Slow day

Today, I applied for over 20 jobs.
I hope I hear back from one.

Day one : Figuring out where to go.

So , pretty much, I hate being jobless. I got made redundant from basically the best job in the world. I miss Blockbusters quite alot. Its been part of my life for 2 years. With it, Ive had my fair of shit with managers and certain people. And people in my past who frankly now i cant believe i wasted my time with them.
I do not trust alot of people. In fact i could probably count the people i trust on one hand.
Trust is a word thats thrown around alot these days. To me it is so important. But my biggest enemy is myself.
I have to let go of the past and focus on the stuff and the people who have come into my life the past few months. I can honestly say ive never been happier. But there are forever the nagging voices at the back of my head saying that in the end, i WILL get hurt again.
But i will overcome it, because i know i can.
I will not let this go.